KCar2021 on Xanga

Weblog

Friday, 23 October 2009

WARNING- It's depressing, but i felt the need to say it

My bags are packed , here I go again
Off to a foriegn country to defend
against the evils of their own sin
oh darling lass i miss you so
i pray to god you don't ever leave me alone

I'm hot and in the desert again
its been 6 months i don't think ill hear from you again
maybe its just the letters not making the trip
shit there goes another friend
i wish and pray to god ill make it through

another month and i wish you were here
the sins I've made will never dissapear
I pray to god my nightmares will cease
but i know that this is just a mental disease
if only your caring touch could feel me now

then a few weeks after that
I'm face to face with a man
i have my rifle pinned on him
and once again hes on his knees
probably praying to his deity

i squeeze the trigger as im given the order
the rifle fires as i shed a tear
the man falls over with out a fear
i wished to god i never came here
because your caring touch could heal my fears

I lost count of the men I killed
a handful here, a few over there
without a number ill never forget
the faces that died that were spent
for me to come home
I'll drink to them every night
and every day, pray for their souls.

I know its depressing, but its something that came to me, no, its not a reflection of what have done, but what friends of mine have done. War is not the answer, but I while I serve it's because it is necessary to defend MY country, beliefs, and loved ones. It came out like a poem but in my head it was like an Irish folklore, well a sad and depressing one.... But i guess I just wanted people to understand what some of us have to go through, and I thank God daily that this isn't me, but I also pray because this is how some of my Battle Buddies are, and you have to understand why they don't like to talk about it to you, not because they don't trust you, or don't love you anymore. It's because you just can't relate, and you just don't understand, so why try to explain it. Infantry men who talk about their confirmed kills, have never had one, and the ones who never speak of it after a combat tour, you don't want to ask. Tankers never wanna talk about the things they have destroyed, just like the Pilots never tell you how many targets they hit in air strikes. Its basically about what we HAVE to do, not what we WANT to do. But, one thing all good troops have in common, weather its infanrty, tanker, scout, mechanic, medic, Soldier, Marine, Sailor, Airmen... well... maybe not Airmen... is that we all have the sense to feel the need to serve, defend, and protect the nation that birthed us, brought us in, or even just schooled us. Therefore we do what must me done so Lady Liberty will stand high and proud, and pray to God, that our sins may be forgiven if were taken on the Battlefield, or at an old age when life has passed us by.

Im done depressing you for now. so heres a stupid joke.

SO, when Marines use the bathroom, they wash their hands with a LOT of soap and water, because their trained exceed the standard at all things.
Airmen wash their hands with a little soap and watter, because their trained to be conservative.
Sailors use Purell, because who wants to wash their hands with salt water?
Soldier's don't Wash their hands, we're trained not to piss on ourselves.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Its been needing to come out

Change starts with a single step in the right direction, the hard part is not taking the easy forks in the path along the way. The only person on this good green earth I ever was afraid to face, is not the Iraqi Insurgent, not the ex GF I screwed over because I was afraid, not even the Drill Sergeant smoking me for hours on end, but myself. It's hard for me to look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am going to succeed when in my heart I am afraid because I don't know what I am doing not where I want to be. All I do is what I need to do to get by and survive and not get into trouble. I don't like taking risks that put me into change because I am afraid I will fail at it. I am afraid of being alone, but all that fear has gotten me is being alone. I am a damn idiot, and I am lazy, I am out of shape, and all I have left for me are memories of people that I used to see daily, but they never call anymore, because I am too afraid to take the next step. And that has to change, right fucking quick and in a hurry. I know everything I have to do in order to get there, and I know every single method, step, and even short cut along the way. But I just don't want to do it because, I am just afraid ill let myself down, like i tend to do a lot. I have had the opportunity to end up with 4 different great women, who knows, maybe I'd be married or engaged right now if i didn't push them away. Each one of those are the ones I ended the relationship on, not the other way around. And I want to apologize right now, with all of my heart I am sorry, and I hope if you are with someone else, they do a better job than I did, because I blew my chances. And that has to change right quick and in a damn hurry. I am not saying im gonna do anything to my self that will cause concern, I am saying I am going to start doing my best to change my stupid ways, quit drowning in my own stupidity and fear, and start making progress towards some sort of a goal that gets me further ahead in this life. I have the knowledge, I have the experience, and I have the time in, the only thing holding me back is myself, so, pray that I have the strength and courage to take this next step and break the proverbial chains that i put on myself.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

I can't sleep, so here are some thoughts...

What is it that defines us as people, not Human beings as a species, but as a Person, what defines our individual existence? I feel that its a combination... of out actions, reactions, will, and our decisions. Being human is easy, your born with 2 legs, 2 arms, one head, and a mind that allows you to think and do whatever you want to within the limits of social acceptance, aside from a percentage, but a lot of them have issues beyond their own comprehension.

But as actions are concerned, you can figure part of a person out by their actions, to they freely go to work on their own accord, or do they wait until they are told on a daily basis? Are they usually on time, or are they constantly late? Do they do things on a daily basis to better them selves, or do they just waste oxygen? Are they what you would consider an active person, or someone simply that has no desire to do anything?

Reactions are a little tricky, can they take a joke? Do they know when its time to be serious and responsible? When they hear about a tragedy do they get concerned, do they say "i don't care", do they watch it with a smile?

In what direction does their will lean? Motivated, Determined, Loyalty, Integrity, Good, Hate, Inhumane, Just, Unjust, or plane 'ole fuck it?

How do you make your decisions? Is it based on emotion, Logic, the need to do right, the need to disrupt the norm, the need to be accepted, the need to feel beautiful, or your own selfish desire?

There are a lot more i could go into, but you really have to think about is this. When the unfortunate day that you pass on to whatever afterlife you believe in. What do you want the people you have met along the journey you call life to say about you? Would you like them to say, I never had to ask him to do things he was already accustomed to, he was rarely ever late to his devoted times and places, very active in life with his family and friends, he always reacted to a bad situation with a smile and always said, "there's always a good side to a crappy story", always knew how to take a joke, and give em right back, always cared about everyone he ever met, and was always motivated, and determined to be loyal and honest to everyone, not just the people he loved but everyone he met.

Or do you think, well he was always late, hardly ever saw him, lied to me a few times, and really didn't do much with his life. The fact that he hated just about everyone pre determined his loneliness, but he could never figure out why he was alone all the time?

So I guess the question is... why do we let ourselves get so stupid in the now we forget about tomorrow, and how there's that chance... you won't get to see it? What is the little bit extra thing YOU could do on a daily basis, so you don't have to worry about never doing it? I'm not saying go now and spend all your money on a vacation to Jamaica because you think i said your gonna die soon. I am just saying... Is there someone you see everyday that just looks down? Say hello to him/her. Is someone going through a tough time? give em a call and let them just know you had them on their mind. You would be surprised how many people around you right now are feeling emotional pain but are very good at hiding it. I know I am... the only time i let loose on here is when it comes to a bursting point and I have to let some of it out.

How about this, I DARE YOU ALL to go through your phone lists, find one to four people that you hardly ever get the chance to talk to anymore, and call them and tell them you were thinking about them and you wanted to know how and what they have been up to. Mostly because, thats something I really could have used when I got home from Iraq. Granted not everyone is a war vet, but I guarantee there is someone that could use a kind word of support, or a verbal push in the right direction, and you'd never even know it. Don't worry I'll be making my phone calls too. I actually already started a few days ago, because there are some things on my chest i need to let out, because they are actions that aren't accustomed to who I am, and I felt really guilty about them. I almost lost myself for a while there, but it took a great loss of a great man to make me realize how damn stupid I was getting.

Well thats all for now.

-Matthew Callahan

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Well the pot boiled over finally

Some days I am on top of the world and the very next I am under the shit, one day I give and give, and other i just don't give a damn, I do not understand why things happen the way they do, but most of the time they really piss me off. Most of the time I piss myself off, but don't realize it until the damage is done. I am so sick and fucking tired of going through the same old routines, I am sick and fucking tired of failing at relationships because of the army and my own damn fears, and most of all, I am sick of not being able to come home when I want because gas is too damn expensive!
Yes people, this is a bitching post
What the hell, man? Its seriously like, I could go home every weekend on top of a wonderful 9 hour road trip every month and make ends meet. But now it seems I get paid more and I have less money!!! What in the shit!? I am also tired of being jerked around by the army! Hey your going to campbell, nope never mind, hey your gonna go do this, wait.. no were gonna send this person now instead, one more thing you have duty this weekend even though we have 50 other people who hadn't done a damn thing yet, hey how about you just bend over so we can fuck ya a little harder? And most of all, people in general piss me off. Yeah, get mad at me, its okay, ya know its not like I have no issues or problems of my own, and even a select few people who are all, "I'll always be there when you need me" uh, bull shit. Even when I was making a damn hard effort to be there for everyone I never got that in return so I stopped.
If this comes off as offensive, or you think I am bitching about you, the chances are most likely not and i dont care. Not at this point.
Because frankly I am a bit pissed off, I see people who are in worse shape than me, in the army, getting promoted because they know how to kiss some ass in the big wigs office. I am sick and fucking tired of getting up at 5am to go to PT to get me into shape and all we do is dumb shit that doesnt help at all. I am sick and damn tired of being fucking lied to! Don't let me ff fuckin easy, or make shit sound better than it is, I wanna know the damn truth on why things happen! That way it leaves not any room for misinterpretation. Most of all, I have no Idea why I am even angry right now! Half of this shit is old as hell and really doesnt even matter anymore.
But even so, what pisses me off the most, is not being told when something important shit changes. I was literally pissed off for a week straight when I found out someone had a new BF when said person said they were gonna give me time to sort shit out and supposidly wasnt gonna be let off so easy, FIRST OFF, I wasnt trying to get off fucking easy, second, when you tell somone that, you think it aught to be nice to let that person know you found someone else yourself??? I am dead goddamn serious, I was finally ready to start talking about stuff and seriously start working on things, when I found shit out on my own. I am not mad now, but I was, and its probably a little bit added in the pot that this is overflowing from, but whatever its cool, Matt is an understanding guy, he'll get over it. And the shity part is I am over it, and it doesnt even fucking matter anymore.
The even MORE funny part is, the only 2 people I know right now who are making the most sense to me at all re Cheryl and Rachel!! YES RACHEL!!! How is that you ask? Didnt she put yo through hell a while back when you two were dating? Yes but she confronted me in person apologized for all the BS and we talked! OMFG
AND even funnier, I am not even mad at work when I should be, im only pissed off at work because while i am under a truck looking at things that could be broken, this shit is what seems to be taking control of my thought process. How the fuck that that go wrong, or, when in the shit was i supposed to figure that out?! Geez thanks alot people. Ya know mostly, it makes me feel like I did die and I am just fucking floating arounf ft riley learning shit thats going on in life and makes me a pissed off spectre, like ima go haunt some shit because people are asses from time to time.
Either which way, if I pissed anyone off with this, im sorry I am sure you will get over it soon. Thanks for reading my wonderful post, and have an awesome day. And in all honesty, i am not trying to piss anyone off intentionally, its just whats been bugging the shit out of me for the last 6 months i been home.
Fuck it
-Matt

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Why doesn't home feel like home?

    Well for some reason I had been having a hard time getting used to life here from Iraq, it wasn't so hard last time... As well as some emotional conflicts I am sure I have finally resolved for myself. I need a change of pace I guess is what I need most now, something to get me more motivated to do what I need to do and not sit on my ass all day after work. Mainly, for anyone whom I have seemed distant or non existent to, I apologize from the bottom of my heart and I will tell you this in person as well... Financially I am having trouble adjusting to my now smaller paychecks, and I still need to fix the damn bike, so I guess when I come home this weekend I wont be doing much... lol. But I do need to see you guys.

    Now, all of that's out of the way, Home really doesn't feel like it did 18 months ago, I feel more comfortable at a friends house sleeping on his couch than I do my own damn bed, and I cant quite figure that one out yet, lol. Maybe its just memories, maybe its because I don't feel like I belong there anymore, hell maybe I'm just a dips-shit trying to figure out WTF I am gonna do next? I am comfortable about talking about all of this stuff to anyone now, so I am over my "prejudices" basically the whole 'how can i talk to someone about what I went through when they just don't understand' easy ILL TELL YOUR ASS ANYWAY, if you wanna hear it.

    Even if you don't think so, I still care... don't take it the wrong way, but I feel like most people back home don't look at me the same... Like I am a stranger in my own house, or someone trying to fit in that you don't know, or like some random guy you bumped into on the street and all you get is the "I know you from somewhere"
All I can say is I fucked up, I am fucked up, and I am trying to un fuck it... in simpleton words....

And I am so damn tired of running

--Matt